Vanitah
So I am not sure whether to refer to this as a life update or a self discovery thing and I know a lot of you guys probably feel like you didn’t sign up for reading my personal baggage but felt like I should share this because it could come in handy for someone else if they are experiencing what I going through just to let them know they are not alone or abnormal in anyway or if any of guys that are reading this have experienced and have triumphantly overcome this particular issue could offer abit of advice to help me kick it in the butt.
Now to start off I would like to say that I am undeniably an overthinker and an over analyzer of things ( like spontaneity is a rare occasion in my life because I would every much prefer to plan out my day to the very last T so that I know how I should handle anything I encounter).
Now don’t get me wrong I can be spontaneous but it usually happens in the heat of the moment when I can grasp my emotions and I usually hate how this makes feel like I don’t have my head screwed on straight. But that aside my main reason for writing this blogpost is because I have been struggling to stay in my creative element (this no writers block or lack of ideas because anyone who knows me can atttest to the fact that I have a bucket load of ideas and how they should be excuted but I just can’t seem to follow them through)
And it’s not because I lack commitment (though sometimes it waivers) but greatly due to the fact that I am always second guessing myself in literally everything I do on top of feeling like nothing I do is ever enough or perfect as I would like it to be.
I always feel like whatever I bring to the table or whatever I am presenting is not good enough and Personally I would not like to present anything that’s half assed (incomplete)or something that I feel like I didn’t give my whole. I will be the first to admit that I am always up in my head finding flaws, breaking down and dismantling stuff that I have worked on tirelessly because it doesn’t measure up to the particular standard I require for myself and anything I put out there in the world. And this is so frustrating because I have all these ideas and I would love to act on them and put them out there but I just can’t ( just because I am always way too much up in my head i end up self sabotaging Which literally Makes me my own worst enemy). Sometimes i create stuff that would be considered great in every single way and after a couple of minutes or hours I would go back in and start dissecting it and making comments on what I could have done better (like I don’t even understand why I am this hard on myself)
Like I have had people tell me to just breathe and see where the world takes me but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Like I usually wish I knew how my life is meant to play out ( like what I be doing tomorrow and the day after, who am I going to meet ). Like the uncertainty just leaves a pit in my stomach that I just find so had to get rid of and as much as I am genuinely dislike putting labels on things or self diagnose, this could probably be classified as some sort of Pâro.
I would like to get to the point where it is not like this anymore and I know that just like every thing else it requires a lot of work, commitment, patience, persistence and consistency and I think I am ready to give it a try and overcome this. I would also like to know if any of you have experienced anything like this before or any of the current things you are trying to overcome.
Love, Vee💓
AfroCocktail 